Getting divorced

[Shawn]

This past year has really been bad and now my wife has left me and I have no idea where to start.I'm in a place I can't afford alone. We had our problems and it was probably best we did get a divorce,but I wanted to wait until we had more money so we could afford to move into places we could afford. She chose to leave and didn't even do it in person. She texted me and told me.
Heck,I'm confused why.Last night we were fine and then all of a sudden she leaves.
I'm upset and have had a pretty bad day since she left. We didn't have the best marriage but it was something. I'll be ok,just have to figure it out and back to being a single parent once again. My family and friends are helping me through this rough time. It's just very hard after 3 years of being together to let go.

[Diabolique]

Oh no...I am so sorry to hear that, Shawn. How are the kids taking it?

[Shawn]

Not well but we will be ok.It brought up a lot of things that their mom done to them because of how she done it. My son is already in therapy and goes Thursday and we will talk about it then.
I've taken it pretty hard and have had to go in other parts of the house because I break down a lot. We had a rough relationship,but it somehow always worked out and her walking away like she did
reminded me of what the kids mom done to me. We have talked since today since she left and I made it clear that I don't want her back and that she can get her stuff whenever she wants and I will not give her any trouble about
getting it or even speak to her. I think I am staying single and will focus on my kids.They need me more then anyone right now. My son was recently diagnosed with PTSD from what his mom done and then my wife does this to him. He called
her mom and it took a lot of trust in him to be able to do that and now she has ruined that. It's better we don't work it out and go through with the divorce.

[Diabolique]

Hang in there Shawn. You have waaaaay too much on your plate. Hope your son feels better soon.

[Shawn]

Hang in there Shawn. You have waaaaay too much on your plate. Hope your son feels better soon.

So it's been a few days and things have settled. I have come to terms with this and realize this should of happened a long time ago. We should never of lived together or got married. It was
a stupid move on my part to do this to my kids. I guess we all make mistakes but this is twice now that I have put my kids through something they shouldn't have.
My thoughts about the whole divorce and her leaving have changed. It's going to be better now that we are no longer together.My son has shown improvements and I am not going
to allow it to happen again. Like I said before,I made it clear to her she is not coming back under any circumstances,not even temporary.She chose to leave so she is going to deal with it in her own way.
This is probably the best thing to happen for me and my kids,to get away from her. The way she carried on here was very negative,hell I can easily say she was a very negative person and self centered. If it wasn't her way,it was no way and that got very old. I planned to leave,just wanted to wait until tax time so I could afford it.She made the jump to soon but I will come out just fine.I have family and friends who support me and will help me in any way they can. It was hard to see the problem while we were together,but being apart,I see things in a different way and how she done things when we were together were just flat out wrong. I kind of feel the same way about her as I do my kids' mom,which we all know isn't good. I have a lot of hate built up against my STBX. IDK why I allowed it to go on for so long for.
It's over now and we can live again.The kids are happy and really,that is all that matters to me at this point.
On another note,before work yesterday,an old friend called me. Somehow her number got deleted off my phone so I had no clue who it was until she said who she was. She seen I posted on FaceBook we split and was talking about dating.She is divorced and has been away from her ex for 17 months and kind of wanting to date.She is a bit scared to make the move to date someone since she has never really had a good relationship. We talked for a bit and I told her instead of jumping right in,we should do it differently.I told her I haven't even gotten divorced yet and a week hasn't even passed. So my suggestion to her was we just hang out with the kids and go to a movie or do something without the kids as friends only. I told her I don't want to rush back into anything and she should take it slow as well so that neither of us get hurt again. She agreed and so it looks like I will be doing that. I don't have any plans to make it official until at least a year of me being single and divorced. She understands that and agreed that we should slowly work into it since she is skeptical about dating again herself.The upside to this,my kids already know her and have no problems with her.In fact when I lived in the apartment complex where we met,my daughter there more then she was home along with my son.So I already know they won't have a problem with her. She has 3 kids who are young,one just started school a year or 2 ago but him and my son like playing together so it may work out. She knows how I feel about her,I haven't lied to her about it and she has similar feelings and that's why she called me as soon as she seen I divorced. She did call the day it happened but I didn't answer the phone and she didn't leave a message and didn't try to call again until today. I am not going to jump into this fast.I am going to take things slow to make sure it will workout with us.I have a feeling it will be just fine,but I would rather just take it slow. She has a great personality and I've never seen her be rude to anyone except for her ex husband,but he deserved it. He treated her like a freakin dog. She can do much better then that and I have told her several times she can do better and I didn't say with me,I just said in general that there are guys who would appreciate her more then he ever has. We have had a lot of talks over the past few years about her relationship problems and I think it has helped her understand things better. We'll see where this goes.If we just hang out and go to movies/dinner alone but never take it any further,I am ok with that.Just means I get to spend some quality time with a good friend. That can't hurt anyone.I haven't done that much in the last few years because of a jealous STBX. My family also knows her and likes her.We always got together on birthdays and the 4th of July every year except for this past year,which I missed doing. So she is no stranger to any of my family.Like I said,not jumping in real fast and taking it slow.If it is meant to be,then we will start dating,if not,we will remain friends.
My life is going to be so much different now. I will refuse to date anyone who acts like my previous 2 relationships.

[soloist]

I'm sorry to learn of your divource, Shawn, but like you mentioned,
it's for the best since you could no longer get along with her
and she turned into such a negative person. I'm glad th-
at things are looking better for you now and that y-
ou are moving on. It's good that you're taking t-
hings slow with your new friend, because l-
ike you mentioned, you don't want to r-
epeat the mistakes of yesteryear, s-
o it's best to take things slow for
now. I'm officially single agai-
n so I'm in the process als-
o (just without the leg-
al bindings). Here's
hoping that thin-
gs work out w-
ell with yo-
ur new
frien-
d.



(I'm glad that the kids are taking it well too...)

[Shawn]

Got the divorce papers in the mail and court date. I could sign off and call it a day but there are some things that need settled and she is unwilling to work with me and I don't trust her either.
Not sure if I will get what I am asking for but it is worth a try.

We tried to remain friends even though we are getting the divorce but she got extremely mad at me because I planned to spend Veterans day with the kids.My daughter was in the parade and my son wanted to go.Since that day she has tried
to harass me but I blocked her from every angle and don't have to deal with it now. She knows that I am not going to let the divorce go easy and mainly because of how she treated me and the kids and the things she done in our relationship
that wasn't right. Money was a BIG issue and it got to the point she would claim she lost her money or steal from me. She also stole some of my pain meds and sold them. That is where I put my foot down and she left because she knew life was going to
get worse if she stayed. I don't like people who steal from me. I told her if she needed money all she had to do was ask. Heck I gave a person a work $100 to help him out and told him not to worry about paying me back any of it.I can use the money myself,but he is way worse off then I am.

As far as my friend,I backed away from her. She is acting like something mentally is wrong with her and you know I am not even ready to deal with someone else's problems,I have my own set of problems I am working on. I do talk to women but haven't been on any dates yet and really not ready to do all that right now. Me and the kids are doing great,my daughter made honor roll again this past 6 weeks of school and she is taking a lot of very hard classes trying to prepare for college. Her GPA was 3.1 something,which is good. It will be enough to get her into a decent college.She wants to go to one of the ones here,main Indiana State University since they give free laptops to freshmen who had a 3.0 or above GPA and they have a really great nursing program. Downside,they only take 50 new students per semester so she will have to work extra hard. I am so proud of how she has got her stuff together and is working very hard at her goals. She said if it wasn't for me getting custody of them,she wouldn't stand a chance at what she wants to do if she lived with her mom. That makes me feel good knowing I made the right choices back then.

As for my son,well he is not doing so well. He is seeing a new therapist now and has been diagnosed with PTSD. He has gotten better since my wife left,but there is a lot of stuff we still need to go through. His last appointment,my daughter went and a lot of things came out that he has been keeping inside. My daughter said she wants to go to every appointment now and help him.I think it will not only help her but it will help all of us to deal with what we have been through as a family. So it has now become more of a family therapy thing instead of just my son having therapy. I really like the guy we have.For 5 long years,I trusted 1 place to figure out what the problem was and come to find out,they ignored everything I said and didn't read the journal I had kept. His new therapist read through it and police reports and copied what he thought was needed. He asked me how I went through so much and not give up.I looked at the kids and I said they are sitting here with us in the room. I never gave up on getting them and I will not give up on my son and his problems. The therapist read the notes from his old therapists,he had several,and was upset they did not see what the problem was 5 years ago. He said he can't believe they would not listen to me when I kept saying all along it was what his mom done to him in 3 months that I was not allowed around to see him or anything,and I know why now.They were leaving bruises on him,which again should of been caught by the first place he was at since he was doing early head start and they failed to notify CPS.

One thing my son has said a few times,but the last time hurt me the most.He said no one loved him or cared about him and before I could open my mouth my daughter was all over it. She told him what I gave up and what it was like and how we planned to get him away from her the day we done it,which worked out better then I expected.It was brought up in therapy and we talked about it. My daughter told him I gave up a lot of things in order to get them and I corrected her and told the therapist I didn't give up anything,I just traded off for something better.I could of walked away and paid child support and been an every other weekend dad.I didn't see myself in that position so I fought and put up with a lot of things that could of drove me away,but I had my mind set that I was not giving up.
The therapist told my son that if I didn't love him or care about him,I would not of kept trying to find someone who could help him get better and that I would of walked away a long time ago if I didn't care. My kids mean everything to me.Relationships come and go,but my kids are forever and there is no one in this world I would give up my kids for. I told my daughter if she wants to live at home while in college that she can and I would prefer it. I am not ready to let her be on her own,but I know she would do just fine with everything. So we will see what happens in the next few weeks with my daughter going to the sessions with us.She seems to be the only person who can get my son to really open up and talk about what he went through. The age difference is what is hard.He was only 5 so he didn't understand it like my daughter did since she was 11 at the time. She told him how she got through it,by talking to me or my mom,her counselors at school and her friends mom who is a therapist as well. I hate bragging,but I have one heck of a good teenage daughter. I have been asked what I done to get her to be no trouble and I can't never answer it.I don't know myself.Maybe my laid back approach to parenting is what done it. I don't yell at the kids or take my frustrations out on them. I give them some freedom as far as what they want to do,but they know what they can and can't do,and that helps. My son will push but he is doing it to see how far he can go without him getting punishment.
I do not physically punish them. I can't take that approach with the, because of what their mom,her husband and her dad done in the past.I am trying to move forward and not backwards.

Sorry this was long,and there is so much more I can say but I will end it here. I think I made valid points.

Soloist,sorry to hear of your recent break up. It's rough,even if it was a bad relationship.My marriage was doomed before it even started and I should of walked away then.It was a huge mistake on my part,but it's very close to being in my past when December 30th comes. I am not currently seeking out anyone to date.I do talk to some but I am waiting. I am over the wife leaving and all that since it was horrible anyways.

[soloist]

Many apologies for not being around as much as of recent times. Like you, I've
tried another relationship and this one is starting to be more of an issue t-
han the previous one (laughs)... so I've been through quite a bit for th-
e past few weeks. The ex is in the hospital for diabetes (something-
g which I warned her would happen if she wasn't careful). Right
now, I'm not bitter towards her, though initially I was. She w-
ants me back, but I can't go backwards... especially if wh-
at caused the problems back then are still there. With
the new, she mentions that she wants a serious rel-
ationship, but her actions say otherwise... and I
for one am tired of the game playing (unless
it involves a console... laughs). So, I'm go-
ing to have to end this one also. If wh-
at I am is not enough to be interes-
ted in and want to commit, the-
n there's nothing more I can
do to prove myself other-
wise. Sure, I can be fa-
lse, but I'd rather be
honest and critici-
zed than to be
fake and ac-
cepted. I
am gl-
ad
to le-
arn that
you are taki-
ng the steps that
you are, Shawn. For
now, it's best you conc-
entrate on those most imp-
ortant to you... and they are y-
our kids. You have every right to b-
e proud of your daughter. I'm sure she's
learned from you and from the experiences
as well. I expected your son to have a hard time
with this, because he's still young and for a young ch-
ild to experience such an ordeal is not easy. With the he-
lp of yourself and your daughter, he should be ok. He's strong
to have endured what he has and to finally be able to open up. I
also understand why you refused to beat your children. They've been
through enough physical harm and a reenactment of such an ordeal could
prove traumatizing to them. They're good kids and you should be proud of you-
rself for keeping them first. I'm going to make a greater effort to appear here more
often, because this form of therapy helps as well. After experiencing what we have in re-
lationships, it's best we have friends and focus more on what's important in our lives and bett-
ering ourselves instead of looking for the next permanent partner. We've both been through enough.

[Shawn]

I couldn't agree more Soloist. I have talked to a few women about possibly dating them but I find things I am not comfortable with and back away. I guess with the failed marriage under my belt,everything seems so much different when looking for someone to date. I don't think I will get back into a serious relationship anytime soon,I have been enjoying my time with the kids and the way things are now. I do have a friend I am considering on asking if she wants to get a bigger house and live together as friends. She has 3 boys so we would have to get a 4 bedroom house so the boys could share 1 big room and me my daughter and her have separate bedrooms. She is not into men so there would be nothing between us.We are very good friends and close but we know where we both stand as far as a relationship goes. It's weird how well we get along and fit together so that would make things easier for all of us. I had 2 of her boys stay the other night and they love coming over. My daughter gets along with her so it'd be ok. She does have a girlfriend who comes every other week and stays the whole week before going back home which is ok with me.I get along with her as well. That's about as close as I would get to living with someone.

The past week has been rather tough with my son.He has been lying and not doing homework and just really trying to work me and his teacher over.It's not working,the more he does the bigger and deeper the hole gets. I just got him an Xbox 360 from a friend who owed me money and couldn't pay so he gave me that with 10 games and 2 wireless remotes. I bought him 2 games 1 I gave him now and one put up for Christmas.I have taken it away from him for now and not sure when he will get it back.I have no idea what is going through his head.IDK if the therapy is getting to him since he is talking about his mom and what she done or if he is pushing to see how far he can go since my STBX wife left.
My daughter has been doing great.Made Honor Roll again for the past 6 weeks of school,which she was surprised because she has some really hard classes this year getting her prepared for college and her career.I have nothing to worry about with her.Since she is 17 and will be 18 in August,I am giving her more freedom.I told her she doesn't have to ask if she can go somewhere with friends and a curfew of Midnight,which she is always home by 9 or 10 anyways. I am testing the waters to see how well she will do once she does turn 18. I feel old but I am very proud of what she has accomplished in such a short time and what her future goals are. I really did not expect it to be this easy.

Now on to my STBX.She called crying to me a few weeks ago about how her family refuses to help her now. I asked her,so what the He ll you want ME to do about it.You left me and filed for divorce and you are not coming back. That made her mad and she said she thought I still cared about her.I replied with,how the F*** can I when you left me in a damn mess. I really let her have it.Haven't heard from her since LOL Karma is such a B*****. She made the mistake of leaving,I didn't now she can deal with her messed up life causes my door is closed.

Hope you get everything worked out and things get better for ya. This thread has helped both of us rant about our situations and learn more about each other.

[soloist]

I'm sorry to learn about your son. He must being going through
a lot and is having a hard time dealing with it. I hope that
he is not being influenced by other kids in school or a
teacher. You did the right thing in taking the syst-
em away. He has to understand that he will b-
e rewarded when he does well and when h-
e doesn't do well, there's a penalty for
this. It seems as though you and th-
e friend that you have get along
well... so it could work out in
terms of you both working
together to keep the pl-
ace. Your ex should
have thought ab-
out all of that
before leav-
ing, so s-
he m-
ade that
road a diffi-
cult one... now
she has to cross it,
alone. As for myself a-
nd that friend, well... we
both had a huge disagreemen-
t which almost ended the relation-
ship, but after we both got the opport-
unity to talk, we both learned more about
each other. We also learned that the entire e-
pisode happened because of a misunderstanding.
It brought us closer, so this weekend worked out well.
It takes a LOT of energy and patience to start over, and af-
ter experiencing so much drama, it makes you not want to get
involved in anyone else for fear of re-experiencing what made the
previous relationship a mess. I'm taking my time and hoping for the best.



(good luck, Shawn!)


Oh, and yes... these
messages do hel-
p as therapy
and is far
less co-
stly.

[Shawn]

Glad everything is working out for you with the new friend. I just don't want to get into anything right now with the way my son is and what I need to do to get him better. It takes a lot of my time up and I'm just not ready for another relationship or dating right now.

Yeah,she really put the screwings to herself and I am not going to be the scapegoat and fix it for her. She caused me enough problems as is,I don't need anymore. I could make it harder on her if I wanted and make her pay out the rear for stuff,but I think I am just going to sign the papers and return them and not contest everything and give her a date she needs to get her stuff out of here and then change my number so that she can't leave voicemails or text me. I want no contact with her at all. It was a rough relationship pretty much the whole time,not sure why I stuck around for,but it's over with and nothing will change my mind about her.She is just to negative for me.

My son keep asking when he can have his Xbox back and I told him when he can do better in school and at home and stop the lying.I feel this may have something to do with therapy since we are now talking about his mom done years ago and bringing it all up again may be bothering him more then he is willing to say. He has never had a problem at school until these past few months. Time will tell with what happens and if he can learn how to cope without causing a problem.I am worried about him and doing all I can to help him. He was very young when this all happened and doesn't fully understand it.My daughter knows and wants nothing to do with their mom. The age difference plays a big factor in this. My daughter remembers how her mom treated her and what I went through to get them away from her. She has told me several times how lucky she is that she is with me and not her mom because her mom wouldn't give her the freedom I have in choosing what she wants to do with her life and wouldn't let her volunteer at the humane shelter like she does. I am very proud of what she is doing and she never gives me any problems. I really could not ask for a better teenager. I guess my laid back approach to parenting did help some. I am not looking forward to the day she is no longer living with me and that day is coming in the next few years. It'll be hard on me seeing her move out and on her own.

[soloist]

I'm glad to hear that your daughter is doing so well.
Try not to think that far ahead though, and ev-
en when that time comes, I'm sure she'll k-
eep in contact with you so as not to h-
ave you worry. Hopefully your son
will improve, though he'll nee-
d more work. They both ha-
ve been through a lot so
it's a wonder that the-
y both are making
progress, but t-
ake comfort
in knowin-
ng that
your
efforts
helped the-
m to survive w-
hat they have in sp-
ite of the issues that t-
hey endured. I'm short on
time, but I'll be back tonight.

(until then...)

[Shawn]

I'm glad to hear that your daughter is doing so well.
Try not to think that far ahead though, and ev-
en when that time comes, I'm sure she'll k-
eep in contact with you so as not to h-
ave you worry. Hopefully your son
will improve, though he'll nee-
d more work. They both ha-
ve been through a lot so
it's a wonder that the-
y both are making
progress, but t-
ake comfort
in knowin-
ng that
your
efforts
helped the-
m to survive w-
hat they have in sp-
ite of the issues that t-
hey endured. I'm short on
time, but I'll be back tonight.

(until then...)

Yeah they are both doing ok and my son has his moments but it's to be expected.

I know she will always keep in contact with me,I pay her cell phone bill lol But with everything we have been through together,it will be hard to see her be on her own,even though I know she will do
well and keep making good choices. She had her tonsils out this past Friday so she has been home all week with me. She slept in the recliner,I slept on the couch in case she needed me I would be right next to her. She is healing up and going back to school Monday.She is driving me crazy,she doesn't like missing school and at he Dr today,she was trying to get him to let her go back Friday. He wouldn't budge and I don't see why since she walks and sits the same at school as she would at home. I wanted to grab him by his shirt and yell in his face to get my point across and he knew I was getting mad and ended the appointment as quick as possible. I do tend to get angry very easy about certain things and this was one of them.

She has most of her work done and will finish it over the weekend. Hope all is well with you!

[Shawn]

Well, 8 days and my divorce will be final. My mistake will be out of the way. I did get everything figured up as far as debt is concerned and just half of it is a bit over $6,000. That is only half,and hopefully the Judge sees it my way when we go to court and I can explain what exactly everything is and why it is on my demand list for. She has not turned in a list and she was suppose to do so before court and send it to me by certified mail.She thinks she can bring it to court and it be allowed. That's not how it works. I have to have time to look over the list.I am going to ask for it to be thrown out since she did not provide it to me before court.

Things are getting worse with my son.He says he is hearing voices and having nightmares again about what his mom and her husband and dad done to him. I think therapy is bringing it out again since he has been talking to him.His last 2 sessions have been alone with the therapist and we go back Jan 6th and he wants me,my daughter and my son to attend. I am suppose to watch for signs of him hearing voices,but so far I haven't and really don't know what to look for.

My daughter is back in school finally.She drove me crazy wanting to go back.She doesn't like missing test and 1 teacher let her off and didn't count it towards her grades since she does so well in school. She did get taken out of gym for the 3rd year in a row and she is getting upset about it.She had 3 weeks of it left and she would of been done. I am proud of her and she is on track to follow her career plans.

[soloist]

There will always be things that'll sting us more than others and when it comes
to our children and what affects them, it's understandable. You want the b-
est for them and anything that'll worry them or upset them captures ou-
r interest, because no parent (no right minded parent) wants to see
their child suffer or experience pain of any type... so I could und-
erstand how that Dr. could get you to the point that he did. I
am hoping that your son's condition improves. Sometimes
when a bad situation is focused on, it creates a probl-
em where there wasn't one before. There was a v-
ideo I've seen that explained this. I'll post it be-
low after this text is concluded. Hopefully f-
or the next session, you and your daugh-
ter both were able to attend and by
now have discovered what may h-
ave been causing the problem-
s for your son. I know you're
pleased that the divorce
is almost over (by no-
w it should be, rig-
ht?). It sounds l-
ike she's not
prepared
and th-
at w-
orks w-
ell in your
favor. I know
you're glad that y-
our daughter is back i-
n school. When you have a
child who is doing well, they do-
n't want to miss anything which is un-
derstandable. Any drop in their progress
makes them feel like they're falling behind w-
hich is understandable. I'm sure she's glad to be b-
ack on track as well. Physical education may not be h-
er strong point, but if she was doing well all before, this sh-
ould have been taken in consideration when issuing the grade, b-
ut who's to say. As long as she give it her all, she should be ok. I'm do-
ing well, though myself and my new friend are still trying to work on the b-
asics which is going to take a long time based on the progress made so far. I'm tr-
ying to be patient... but I'm thinking that Job of the Bible had it much more easier than I.