POOPIES

THE GHOST POOPIE

The kind where you feel poopie come out, see poopie on the toilet paper, but there's no poopie in the bowl.

THE CLEAN POOPIE

The kind where you feel poopie come out, see poopie in the bowl, but there's no poopie on the toilet paper.

THE WET POOPIE

You wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.

THE SECOND WAVE POOPIE

This poopie happenes when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to poopie some more.

THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE POOPIE

Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Poopie". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.

THE CORN POOPIE

No explanation necessary.

THE LINCOLN LOG POOPIE

The kind of poopie that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.

THE NOTORIUS DRINKER POOPIE

The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.

THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD POOPIE" POOPIE

The kind where you want to poopie, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.

THE WET CHEEKS POOPIE

Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your buns so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

THE LIQUID POOPIE

That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.

THE MEXICAN FOOD POOPIE

A class all its own.

THE CROWD PLEASER

This poopie is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.

THE MOOD ENHANCER

This poopie occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.

THE RITUAL

This poopie occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.

THE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS POOPIE

A poopie so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.

THE AFTERSHOCK POOPIE

This poopie has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.

THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" POOPIE

This is any poopie created in the presence of another person.

THE GROANER

A poopie so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.

THE FLOATER

Characterized by its floatability, this poopie has been known to resurface after many flushings.

THE RANGER

A poopie which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion,but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.

THE PHANTOM POOPIE

This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.

THE PEEK-A-BOO POOPIE

Now you see it, now you don't. This poopie is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.

THE BOMBSHELL

A poopie that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to poopie (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near poopie-ing facilities.

THE SNAKE CHARMER

A long skinny poopie which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless.

THE OLYMPIC POOPIE

This poopie occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's Poopie.

THE BACK-TO-NATURE POOPIE

This poopie may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.

THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN POOPIE

An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T poopie.

PREMEDITATED POOPIE

Laxative induced. Doesn't count.

POOPIEZOPHERENIA

Fear of poopieting - can be fatal!

ENERGIZER vs DURACELL POOPIE

Also known as a "Still Going" poopie.

THE POWER DUMP POOPIE

The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done.

THE LIQUID PLUMBER POOPIE

This kind of poopie is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Poopie.)

THE SPINAL TAP POOPIE

The kind of poopie that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.

THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY BUTT" POOPIE

Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Poopies. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.

THE PORRIDGE POOPIE

The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.

THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" POOPIE

When the bag of Dorritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.

THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" POOPIE

When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.

THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" POOPIE

Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gaggin and gasping for air.

THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" POOPIE

Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.